Photo by Sandrachile . on Unsplash
Picture this, you’re scrolling through Insta, and you see an IRL friend of yours posting about one of their other IRL friends living their passion. As you quickly try to scroll past it, irritated by the whole thing, you find yourself unable to let go of the nasty thoughts and feelings that are beginning to brew up inside of you.
You begin stuffing your face with everything in sight even though your belly is already so full that it’s hurting. You’re irritable with your loved ones and any other poor soul who dares to cross your path.
What’s going on? You realize that you’re experiencing some seriously strong emotions that aren’t serving you, but why?
You check your Fitbit app because maybe your girl thing is just around the corner, and that’s why you feel like you are trying to trap the wrath of a deadly storm inside of your body. Fitbit informs you that your cycle is still ten days away. I mean, it could be pre-pre-super-early PMS, right? Yeah, let’s go with that because anything is better than admitting what’s really going on with you.
You’re jealous; you, a person who proudly declares that they aren’t prone to episodes of jealousy and how you can’t understand what’s wrong with these chicks out here.
But why? Why are you jealous? Do we have time to go into all the maybe, sort of valid reasons you could give here?
Furthermore, why are you beating yourself up for being jealous? Well, of course, acknowledging that you’re insecure and that you’re even mad at this person, your friend, for posting this, is undoubtedly not making you feel positive vibes about yourself right now. Really though, didn’t they know how bad it would make you feel, what kind of friend does that?
And now you’re even madder at yourself. And you’ve got all these nasty thoughts going on in your head about how you're a turd for being mad at them, mean to your loved ones for something that’s not even their fault, for being so petty as to be jealous.
Let’s not forget the voice in your head that reminds you of how many opportunities you’ve wasted being scared or lazy and that if you hadn’t wasted them, you could be that person walking in your passion so much so that your friends want to tell their people about it.
You could tell yourself that what’s for you is for you…yeah, OK, true, but the truth also knows that the reason you’re not where you want to be is your fault which I’m guessing makes you feel worse
At the end of it all, you find yourself spiraling into a straight-up shame cycle, and your thoughts are only getting darker.
STOP, just STOP, OK?
Most of our self-critical thoughts take the form of an inner dialogue, a constant commentary and evaluation of what we are experiencing. Because there is no social censure when our inner dialogue is hard or callous, we often talk to ourselves in an especially brutal way.
“You’re so fat and disgusting!” “That was a totally stupid thing to say.” “You’re such a loser. No wonder nobody wants you.” Ouch! Yet such self-abuse is incredibly common. Floccinaucinihilipilification, defined as the habit of estimating something as worthless, is one of the longest words in the English language. The mystery of why we do it is as baffling as how to pronounce it.
Dr. Kristin Neff
OK, so you’re jealous. So what. You could continue to beat yourself up and treat yourself harshly, but has that ever helped you feel better in the past?
Why not treat yourself with the same kindness that you would if someone you loved was dumping on themselves that way. You would tell them how everyone feels terrible about something they’ve thought, said, or done before because we’re all imperfect people.
Photo by J W on Unsplash
One of the downsides of living in a culture that stresses independence and individual achievement is that if we don’t continually reach our ideal goals, we feel that we only have ourselves to blame. And if we’re at fault, that means we don’t deserve compassion, right? The truth is, everyone is worthy of compassion.
Dr. Kristin Neff
Dr. Kristin Neff, who literally wrote the book on self-compassion, says that it starts with having feelings of kindness towards suffering. I can hear you now thinking that what you’re experiencing, this emotion of jealousy, for example, is not about suffering. People living in the streets are suffering. People battling life-threatening illnesses are suffering. But you? You bought this all on your fool self.
This isn’t suffering. But it is. And the first step to showing yourself the self-compassion that you need right at this very moment is by recognizing that you are suffering.
As you grapple with how you’re feeling, how bad it makes you feel to feel that way, and all the icky thoughts that are circling in your head, you’re having an especially difficult time. You are suffering. And instead of running from that emotion, fall into it and accept that you’re not feeling especially good right now. Show yourself a little kindness.
Neff’s book is packed with exercises and action steps for sitting with several emotions that cause us to suffer.
How to Try This On
Here’s one of my favorite exercises from the book because it’s so easy to do and doesn’t require you to have any tools like pen and paper with you. All you need to practice this simple self-compassion exercise is you.
When you're feeling a little down on yourself, and you find that you’re starting to listen to the self-critical thoughts threatening to take you under, give yourself a gentle, warm hug.
Yes, it really is that easy, and yes, it does make you feel better. And you don’t have to wait for someone to come around, listen to your sad, pitiful story, and then finally give you the hug you so desperately need. Hug yourself!
Yes, I hurt. But I also feel care and concern. I am both the comforter and the one in need of comfort. There is more to me than the pain I am feeling right now, I am also the heartfelt response to that pain.
Dr. Kristin Neff
The magic of self-compassion is that you have everything you need to give kindness to yourself in a moment of suffering.
Today, be kind to yourself and give yourself a hug.
Neff has plenty to say about how helpful self-compassion is to mental well-being. Check out her book to find out more. I find her countercultural belief about the link between self-esteem and self-compassion to be fascinating. You can hear more about it the video below.