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Forget the idea that there's a battle of good thoughts vs. bad thoughts. Thoughts just are, and they’re either serving you, or they aren’t. So why do we get good vibes only from some thoughts and stress, depression, and anxiety from others?
A thought is harmless unless we believe it. It’s not our thoughts, but the attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering. Attaching to a thought means believing that it’s true, without inquiring.
Bryon Katie
We have an average of 48.6 thoughts per minute, with roughly 80% of them being the opposite of the good vibes only kind. So roughly 39 of those thoughts are things like:
I’m not good enough.
I suck at everything.
People are always talking about me.
No one understands me.
I’m worthless.
No one likes me.
I don’t have enough money.
I’m a failure.
I’ve messed up my life.
I should control my emotions better.
My boss should be nicer to me.
Seriously, 39 thoughts like this, every minute. What gives?
I keep Bryon Katie’s Loving What Is in my little bedside library. Her book helped me to understand that I didn’t have to believe every thought that popped into my head. Now, I’m a certified, Bible carrying, Jesus girl. And I know like I know that my mind is where our ancient enemy loves to wage war. The area in which her work was so transformative for me was in how I live in relation with other people.
Katie teaches that we only suffer when we believe thoughts that argue with reality.
If you want reality to be different than it is, you might as well try to teach a cat to bark. You can try and try, and in the end, the cat will look up and say, “Meow.”
Bryon Katie
That thought that you have about how your boss, your man, your friend, whoever should be kind to you or listen to you, is arguing with reality. Reality is what happened or is happening, and it’s our thoughts that we attach to it that cause us pain.
Thinking about what should have happened or how someone should behave is an exercise in suffering. It didn’t happen that way, they didn’t behave that way, and no amount of thinking is going to change that.
The cat still says “Meow.”
An unquestioned mind is the only suffering.
Byron Katie
In Loving What Is, Bryon Katie takes you through a process of questioning your thoughts in what she calls The Work. The purpose is to get you to investigate the cause and effect of a thought not to get rid of it. You begin by identifying the thought that is upsetting you and asking the four questions of The Work.
The Work: The Four Questions and Turnaround
1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
4. Who would you be without the thought?
and
Turn it around.
Now it may be tempting to begin The Work as an inside job. Yet, Katie recommends that you start with judging your metaphorical neighbor first; someone you haven’t completely forgiven. I know, I know, we aren’t supposed to judge.
When you do The Work, you see who you are by seeing who you think other people are. Eventually, you come to see that everything outside of you is a reflection of your own thinking. You are the storyteller, the projector of all stories, and the world is the projected image of your thoughts.
Byron Katie
Photo by Noah Buscher on Unsplash
How to Try This On
Let’s say that you’re hurt because a woman you work with is of the less-than-friendly variety. You’ve been nothing but kind to this, let’s call her Danielle, so you’ve been nothing but kind to Danielle, and yet, she rebuffs you at every turn, and she’s spreading nasty rumors about you. You’re also pretty sure that every time you look up from your desk, she’s shooting daggers of death at you with her eyes. This Danielle lady. Does. Not. Like. You. At all.
You’re causing yourself a ton of grief trying to figure out what you did to this woman and why she hates you so much. You tell yourself that it’s unfair, she should be nice to you because you haven’t done anything to deserve this.
We’ve all been there.
So, here’s how to get your peace back.
Grab a pen and complete a Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet. Write all, ALL, your uncensored thoughts about Danielle and why this situation is upsetting you so much. If you’re worried that you may end up shamefaced when it shows up on social media somewhere, rip it up when you’re done. Rip it up and burn it if it makes you feel better. You can’t complete The Work by thinking about it; your freedom is in writing it down.
Using the first few prompts, our Worksheet on Danielle might look like this:
1. In this situation, who angers, confuses, saddens, or disappoints you, and why?
I’m hurt because Danielle is a meanie.
2. In this situation, how do you want them to change? What do you want them to do?
I want Danielle to stop talking about me, stop giving me the hateful side-eye, and to check her tone when she’s speaking to me.
3. In this situation, what advice would you offer them?
Danielle should be kind and respectful to me.
OK, let’s take Statement #3 and start the inquiry:
1. Is it true that Danielle should be kind and respectful to you? (Yes or no. If no, move to question 3.)
Sit with it and let your mind rise to answer the question, should Danielle be kind and respectful to you?
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true? (Yes or no)
The reality on this planet is that Danielle is not kind or respectful to you; that’s what’s true.
3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe the thought that Danielle should be kind and respectful to you?
When you think the thought that Danielle should be kind and respectful to you and she’s not, what do you do? I’m guessing you clap back and give it right back to her, and how does that make you feel? Do you feel better or worse?
4. Who would you be without the thought that Danielle should be kind and respectful to you?
This is the most powerful of all the questions! Close your eyes and imagine how it would feel not to think that Danielle should be kind and respectful to you. Another way to investigate this is to ask yourself to find one stress-free reason to keep this thought.
And finally, the Turnaround. Come up with a reversed statement that is as true or truer. For example:
I’m not kind and respectful to myself.
List three examples of how this is true. After sitting with the Turnaround begin the inquiry on the next statement on the Worksheet.
What’s so beautiful about The Work is that there are no wrong or right answers to any of the questions, only investigation of the thoughts that are causing you suffering.
You don’t have to believe everything that you think, what unexamined thoughts are you willing to explore?